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Yay

Ahhhh Joseph I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee you lets be FRAAANDSSS

For a new LAYOUT


 It is so bright and happy :)

Quite a change from dreary black no?

Tangerines are delicious

I'm not sure if other people can see this because I changed the privacy settings. Oh well. The fact that others were reading about my neurotic obsession was giving me even more anxiety. I would have to say that I'm so OVER giving a shit about weight loss. I can't remember what my hobbies and interests were before? What did I do before the obsession? What did I google, when I didn't google weight loss stories and disordered blogs?

I recall having other fulfilling and exciting interests. I plan to get them all back. Wish me luck.

I must learn to be happy within myself. Outside forces always tear and scratch at you. I must guard my own happiness fiercely.

This whole "becoming a doctor" thing is starting to worry me.


I'm glad I'm not taking any classes over the summer. I need to do some soul-searching, read some books, and play with my dog. I must also try some deep-fried cheesecake. Paula Deen: My hero.
I want to go see a ballet
a play
go swimming
hang out with my boyfriend :)
eat icecreammm
go on roller coasters
hang out with friends
go to a concert
learn how to cook things
and and andddd chillax
<3

i have

never been more disgusted by my body than I am right now.

I feel absolutely horrible even saying that, because I think of people who have worse problems then a few extra pounds..but right now everytime I think about the way my body feels..
I get a sense of dread in my gut that is possibly the worst feeling ever, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


I hate everyone. I hate myself. Really truly loathe. My body isn't doing what I want it to do. My mind isn't doing what I want it to do. It might as well not even be me. Some other bitch is controlling everything. I hate her.

neurosis

Wow I've been going all out with the posting lately.

Anyway I need to do another post to document the utter crazy antics that I put myself through today.

So I'm cutting calories, meaning that I'm perpetually hungry. fine. Today though, I thought: "Its cool you are going to a dinner you can relax and enjoy some good food, just don't eat anything after that ONE meal".....then..as soon as I was done with that meal..I feel this urgent need to get some sort of "snack" ...a kit kat bar or a bag of chips or something equally unhealthy and delicious. I go to the vending machine to find that it only takes cash or a school card.. ok fine. Dig through my purse. Find 50 cents. Not enough.

I then go back to my dorm and proceed to figure out a way to put money on my school card online. I forget my account number. I call my sister who lives an hour away to find all the needed information. I put some money on the card. I head back down to the vending machine.

Lo and behold...the machine doesn't FUCKING read the card. I stand there staring at the stupid vending machine and wonder why this is happening. I go ask some girl sitting in the lobby if I'm using the card wrong. She says "Oh, that machine might be broken." -__-

I go back to my dorm, and proceed to make some soup. The Boiling water somehow burns my hand.

By this point, I feel like I should be in the Scarlett Letter but instead of an "A" embroidered on me I should get an "F" for really fat and ridiculous.

I'm angry. I angrily decide to eat some crackers. I'm way over my calorie limit for the day and sink into thinking I'm going to turn into a 50,000 pound gorilla.

Please come visit me when I'm a gorilla.
I'll need company I'm sure.

existential crisis

and where else to ponder it than an anonymous blog...right?

I feel like I am wasting my life. I want to GO somewhere and DO SOMETHING AMAZING and be inspired and influential and PERFECT and experience things and do things and be things and give things and JOIN things. I want to be able to say that I've done all that I wanted but I'm 20..and I feel OLD. I feel like I have been sheltered and kept inside a sphere of thought or space that I should've broken, and that I have most likely constructed myself because I'm slightly masochistic.

I want to get a cat. and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY DAMMIT.

I want to go find a guru who will enlighten me about...everything. I feel like I drift through life like jelly. Always confused and moldable and poked at and prodded and poured and mixed around and I need to be able to step away from the chaos and look at it and still BE ME when something shakes up.
I can be solid sometimes..sometimes I can be like..a glacier.. I can think "I know who I am...I am this and I shall be this and never be undecided about myself again..." and then a group of girls laugh..or someone doesn't text me back..or the lady standing at the corner doesn't smile back when I smile at her..or my soup burns..or I fail a test and I'm shaken again...and back to jelly.

I want to possess an unshakeable core. I want to be sure of myself.
This anxiety that lives in my gut can go the fuck away please. and thankyou.

If there are different reincarnated lives..then this is definately my first one. I have not been here, in this place, ever before. I am a new soul. and I would like a damn guru.

"The belly when it is not restrained destroys the virtues of the soul"