It is so bright and happy :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tangerines are delicious
I'm not sure if other people can see this because I changed the privacy settings. Oh well. The fact that others were reading about my neurotic obsession was giving me even more anxiety. I would have to say that I'm so OVER giving a shit about weight loss. I can't remember what my hobbies and interests were before? What did I do before the obsession? What did I google, when I didn't google weight loss stories and disordered blogs?
I recall having other fulfilling and exciting interests. I plan to get them all back. Wish me luck.
I must learn to be happy within myself. Outside forces always tear and scratch at you. I must guard my own happiness fiercely.
This whole "becoming a doctor" thing is starting to worry me.
I'm glad I'm not taking any classes over the summer. I need to do some soul-searching, read some books, and play with my dog. I must also try some deep-fried cheesecake. Paula Deen: My hero.
I want to go see a ballet
a play
go swimming
hang out with my boyfriend :)
eat icecreammm
go on roller coasters
hang out with friends
go to a concert
learn how to cook things
and and andddd chillax
<3
I recall having other fulfilling and exciting interests. I plan to get them all back. Wish me luck.
I must learn to be happy within myself. Outside forces always tear and scratch at you. I must guard my own happiness fiercely.
This whole "becoming a doctor" thing is starting to worry me.
I'm glad I'm not taking any classes over the summer. I need to do some soul-searching, read some books, and play with my dog. I must also try some deep-fried cheesecake. Paula Deen: My hero.
I want to go see a ballet
a play
go swimming
hang out with my boyfriend :)
eat icecreammm
go on roller coasters
hang out with friends
go to a concert
learn how to cook things
and and andddd chillax
<3
Saturday, March 19, 2011
i have
never been more disgusted by my body than I am right now.
I feel absolutely horrible even saying that, because I think of people who have worse problems then a few extra pounds..but right now everytime I think about the way my body feels..
I get a sense of dread in my gut that is possibly the worst feeling ever, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I hate everyone. I hate myself. Really truly loathe. My body isn't doing what I want it to do. My mind isn't doing what I want it to do. It might as well not even be me. Some other bitch is controlling everything. I hate her.
I feel absolutely horrible even saying that, because I think of people who have worse problems then a few extra pounds..but right now everytime I think about the way my body feels..
I get a sense of dread in my gut that is possibly the worst feeling ever, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I hate everyone. I hate myself. Really truly loathe. My body isn't doing what I want it to do. My mind isn't doing what I want it to do. It might as well not even be me. Some other bitch is controlling everything. I hate her.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
neurosis
Wow I've been going all out with the posting lately.
Anyway I need to do another post to document the utter crazy antics that I put myself through today.
I then go back to my dorm and proceed to figure out a way to put money on my school card online. I forget my account number. I call my sister who lives an hour away to find all the needed information. I put some money on the card. I head back down to the vending machine.
Lo and behold...the machine doesn't FUCKING read the card. I stand there staring at the stupid vending machine and wonder why this is happening. I go ask some girl sitting in the lobby if I'm using the card wrong. She says "Oh, that machine might be broken." -__-
I go back to my dorm, and proceed to make some soup. The Boiling water somehow burns my hand.
By this point, I feel like I should be in the Scarlett Letter but instead of an "A" embroidered on me I should get an "F" for really fat and ridiculous.
I'm angry. I angrily decide to eat some crackers. I'm way over my calorie limit for the day and sink into thinking I'm going to turn into a 50,000 pound gorilla.
I'll need company I'm sure.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
existential crisis
and where else to ponder it than an anonymous blog...right?
I feel like I am wasting my life. I want to GO somewhere and DO SOMETHING AMAZING and be inspired and influential and PERFECT and experience things and do things and be things and give things and JOIN things. I want to be able to say that I've done all that I wanted but I'm 20..and I feel OLD. I feel like I have been sheltered and kept inside a sphere of thought or space that I should've broken, and that I have most likely constructed myself because I'm slightly masochistic.
I want to get a cat. and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY DAMMIT.
I want to go find a guru who will enlighten me about...everything. I feel like I drift through life like jelly. Always confused and moldable and poked at and prodded and poured and mixed around and I need to be able to step away from the chaos and look at it and still BE ME when something shakes up.
I can be solid sometimes..sometimes I can be like..a glacier.. I can think "I know who I am...I am this and I shall be this and never be undecided about myself again..." and then a group of girls laugh..or someone doesn't text me back..or the lady standing at the corner doesn't smile back when I smile at her..or my soup burns..or I fail a test and I'm shaken again...and back to jelly.
I want to possess an unshakeable core. I want to be sure of myself.
This anxiety that lives in my gut can go the fuck away please. and thankyou.
If there are different reincarnated lives..then this is definately my first one. I have not been here, in this place, ever before. I am a new soul. and I would like a damn guru.
I feel like I am wasting my life. I want to GO somewhere and DO SOMETHING AMAZING and be inspired and influential and PERFECT and experience things and do things and be things and give things and JOIN things. I want to be able to say that I've done all that I wanted but I'm 20..and I feel OLD. I feel like I have been sheltered and kept inside a sphere of thought or space that I should've broken, and that I have most likely constructed myself because I'm slightly masochistic.
I want to get a cat. and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY DAMMIT.
I want to go find a guru who will enlighten me about...everything. I feel like I drift through life like jelly. Always confused and moldable and poked at and prodded and poured and mixed around and I need to be able to step away from the chaos and look at it and still BE ME when something shakes up.
I can be solid sometimes..sometimes I can be like..a glacier.. I can think "I know who I am...I am this and I shall be this and never be undecided about myself again..." and then a group of girls laugh..or someone doesn't text me back..or the lady standing at the corner doesn't smile back when I smile at her..or my soup burns..or I fail a test and I'm shaken again...and back to jelly.
I want to possess an unshakeable core. I want to be sure of myself.
This anxiety that lives in my gut can go the fuck away please. and thankyou.
If there are different reincarnated lives..then this is definately my first one. I have not been here, in this place, ever before. I am a new soul. and I would like a damn guru.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
o ketosis.
The 3 day fast became a 2 day fast. I think that right before my body goes into ketosis, it puts up an epic catfight. I still lost 5 pounds by not eating for 2 days though :)
I know some of it is water weight but I'm still happy.
I feel so euphoric and clean and pure when I don't eat for a long stretch of time. Weirdly, I feel like thats the state my body wants to be in.
Then I taint it with food.
Todays intake: 200 calories.
Lets keep it at that shall we.
I know some of it is water weight but I'm still happy.
I feel so euphoric and clean and pure when I don't eat for a long stretch of time. Weirdly, I feel like thats the state my body wants to be in.
Then I taint it with food.
Todays intake: 200 calories.
Lets keep it at that shall we.
Monday, January 17, 2011
3 day fast.
How am I supposed to lose weight *quickly* if I can't even stick to a "healthy" plan.
Forget about severe restricting and exercising for hours.. I can't even eat 1200 calories a day and exercise for an hour daily. Since I previously decided not to purge *ever* again, (and I've been strictly sticking to that) I can't even get rid of the guilt from the binge I just had. I don't understand why it became a binge.
There has to be some sort of psychological warfare that I am not dealing with. Normal people can stop eating after they are full.. but it seems that my stomach is so stretched out from binging and purging that I can't even feel full normally. I either don't eat at all, or I eat EVERYTHING.
I think I binge when I already feel out of control.. not during but right before a binge.. I feel that ringing in my ears. That "eat everything in sight or it might not exist later" feeling.
It's so pathetic.
Does my body think there is a famine happening? Note to body: I live in America, the land of excess, and there is plenty of food available so stop stocking up. kthx.
My current weight is 124 lbs. My body has worked damn hard to maintain my weight, and no matter what I do.. It loves being at 124-125 lbs.
It won't even let me lose "a pound a week" like a normal diet should let me lose. I don't understand. What usually triggers a binge, is working hard all week, and standing on a scale that is vehemently stuck on the same damn number.
Now my stomach is uncomfortably full because I just ate enough food to feed a small country.
I'm going to stop complaining now.
I'm doing a 3 day fast. No excuses.
I'll post my weight Friday morning.
peace.
Forget about severe restricting and exercising for hours.. I can't even eat 1200 calories a day and exercise for an hour daily. Since I previously decided not to purge *ever* again, (and I've been strictly sticking to that) I can't even get rid of the guilt from the binge I just had. I don't understand why it became a binge.
There has to be some sort of psychological warfare that I am not dealing with. Normal people can stop eating after they are full.. but it seems that my stomach is so stretched out from binging and purging that I can't even feel full normally. I either don't eat at all, or I eat EVERYTHING.
I think I binge when I already feel out of control.. not during but right before a binge.. I feel that ringing in my ears. That "eat everything in sight or it might not exist later" feeling.
It's so pathetic.
Does my body think there is a famine happening? Note to body: I live in America, the land of excess, and there is plenty of food available so stop stocking up. kthx.
My current weight is 124 lbs. My body has worked damn hard to maintain my weight, and no matter what I do.. It loves being at 124-125 lbs.
It won't even let me lose "a pound a week" like a normal diet should let me lose. I don't understand. What usually triggers a binge, is working hard all week, and standing on a scale that is vehemently stuck on the same damn number.
Now my stomach is uncomfortably full because I just ate enough food to feed a small country.
I'm going to stop complaining now.
I'm doing a 3 day fast. No excuses.
I'll post my weight Friday morning.
peace.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
factory farming.
I recently decided that I am going to become a vegetarian, after reading a very sad, and amazingly written book, called Eating Animals.
This was a great decision for me and I feel like many people should atleast read the book.
ok.
The problem is that people love to get defensive when you mention you are a vegetarian. It is so odd.
Me saying "Oh hey I'm trying to transition to a vegetarian lifestyle" apparently translates into "I hate you, and am attacking your eating habits. Die."
no.
chill out.
Also aloha to all new followers! You guys caught me on a venting day :(
What is up with snide remarks from people lately? I don't know if everyone is as sensitive to such comments as I am but I do feel like they are ...evil on purpose..and not me just being paranoid. Then again, not everyone is as obsessed about certain things like I am.
People love to comment on the amount of food I eat. A lot.
"Oh ya chasingsecrets eats EVERYTHING"
"Wow, are you going to eat ALL that cake"
"Oh you know how SHE eats"
Apparently I'm a mack truck who eats lard.
Yay.
These types of comments just make me want to turn into a 80 pound waif and have people tell me to eat MORE. I'm balancing on a very thin line between wonderland and normalcy.
I need to not let people get to me.
I also feel like a lot of overweight people.. (this might be offensive idk.) get really pissed off when I tell them I'm dieting. They love to point out, quite meanly,when I'm falling off the diet..and then they love to tell me how I don't exercise enough..or I'm eating too much lettuce or something. And when I order a salad after they order a burger....I feel like I killed their first born. There have been many times where I've felt like I offended someone, and then I just order some damn french fries.
Same with the vegetarian thing. A lot of people love to point out if the dish I just ate had some meaty ingredient I didn't know about. "Oh I thought you were vegetarian, but you just ate meat..guess you couldn't stick to it." I just don't get it..maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.
It makes me want to shove tofu up their nose.
p.s. not ALL overweight people are like that! These have mostly been my family members and friends who do this. I'm not trying to put anyone in a box.
This was a great decision for me and I feel like many people should atleast read the book.
ok.
The problem is that people love to get defensive when you mention you are a vegetarian. It is so odd.
Me saying "Oh hey I'm trying to transition to a vegetarian lifestyle" apparently translates into "I hate you, and am attacking your eating habits. Die."
no.
chill out.
Also aloha to all new followers! You guys caught me on a venting day :(
What is up with snide remarks from people lately? I don't know if everyone is as sensitive to such comments as I am but I do feel like they are ...evil on purpose..and not me just being paranoid. Then again, not everyone is as obsessed about certain things like I am.
People love to comment on the amount of food I eat. A lot.
"Oh ya chasingsecrets eats EVERYTHING"
"Wow, are you going to eat ALL that cake"
"Oh you know how SHE eats"
Apparently I'm a mack truck who eats lard.
Yay.
These types of comments just make me want to turn into a 80 pound waif and have people tell me to eat MORE. I'm balancing on a very thin line between wonderland and normalcy.
I need to not let people get to me.
I also feel like a lot of overweight people.. (this might be offensive idk.) get really pissed off when I tell them I'm dieting. They love to point out, quite meanly,when I'm falling off the diet..and then they love to tell me how I don't exercise enough..or I'm eating too much lettuce or something. And when I order a salad after they order a burger....I feel like I killed their first born. There have been many times where I've felt like I offended someone, and then I just order some damn french fries.
Same with the vegetarian thing. A lot of people love to point out if the dish I just ate had some meaty ingredient I didn't know about. "Oh I thought you were vegetarian, but you just ate meat..guess you couldn't stick to it." I just don't get it..maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.
It makes me want to shove tofu up their nose.
p.s. not ALL overweight people are like that! These have mostly been my family members and friends who do this. I'm not trying to put anyone in a box.
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