existential crisis

and where else to ponder it than an anonymous blog...right?

I feel like I am wasting my life. I want to GO somewhere and DO SOMETHING AMAZING and be inspired and influential and PERFECT and experience things and do things and be things and give things and JOIN things. I want to be able to say that I've done all that I wanted but I'm 20..and I feel OLD. I feel like I have been sheltered and kept inside a sphere of thought or space that I should've broken, and that I have most likely constructed myself because I'm slightly masochistic.

I want to get a cat. and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY DAMMIT.

I want to go find a guru who will enlighten me about...everything. I feel like I drift through life like jelly. Always confused and moldable and poked at and prodded and poured and mixed around and I need to be able to step away from the chaos and look at it and still BE ME when something shakes up.
I can be solid sometimes..sometimes I can be like..a glacier.. I can think "I know who I am...I am this and I shall be this and never be undecided about myself again..." and then a group of girls laugh..or someone doesn't text me back..or the lady standing at the corner doesn't smile back when I smile at her..or my soup burns..or I fail a test and I'm shaken again...and back to jelly.

I want to possess an unshakeable core. I want to be sure of myself.
This anxiety that lives in my gut can go the fuck away please. and thankyou.

If there are different reincarnated lives..then this is definately my first one. I have not been here, in this place, ever before. I am a new soul. and I would like a damn guru.