fuck it.

im not eating.
again.
at.
all.
ever.
i hate food.
i hate food.
i hate food.
i hate food.
i hate food.

I am

a tad embarassed to even be typing this post.. but alas everyone (aka no one because I have no followers) yours truly is on another plan. Yes..ANOTHER ONE. because the last one was not folllowed because me and willpower had a fight and I clobbered willpower.

so new plan.
not even going to talk of it.
but will post my weight in 2 weeks.


good day patrons.

Robot Chicken

is quite lol-worthy.

I had to come back and write a post not related to weight so here goes:

I LOVED harry potter. I love going to a packed movie theatre and watching a movie.. the collective emotions everyone in the audience feels makes the movie so much better!

I forgot how depressing the first half of the book was though.. I definately cried at the end. (I cried after I watched Toy Story 3 this week too.)

hmm ..Oh and Despicable Me was hilarious.

I have so much to do but I feel really lazy all the time. Where is the productive gene I should probably possess?

I have a boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend and he is very nice.
I have a boyfriend and he is very nice but I don't love him.

I'm confused about the path that I should pursue.

I will not

throw up ever ever again. My face is swollen, and wasting food in this manner is completely against my values.
I don't know what to do about the binging but I am NOT purging ever again. I don't care how much anxiety, sadness, and fear I feel when I'm full...that does not give me permission to throw it all up. (Not that all of it ever truly comes back up.) I really suck at throwing up anyway.. and was too much of a wuss tuesday night to figure out where to buy ipecac.. (thank god I didn't.. really have no desire to die from it like Karen Carpenter.)

Also, no more taking laxatives.. they make my stomach hurt and I retain water. ugh. This isn't me. What is with this state of mind. I don't know why I am deathly afraid to gain any amount of weight. ITS JUST FUCKING WEIGHT. PEOPLE GAIN AND LOSE IT ALL THE TIME.

Not that any of these measures have helped me lose any weight for the past 2 days. I've GAINED weight. I'm not even gonna post my weight on here because it's making me sick.

Anyway I saw Harry Potter today, and loved it... but I couldn't help thinking about how damn thin Emma Watson is. If only I was a witch who could magically make myself a perfect 105 pounds. sigh.

I've come to the conclusion that someone else also came up with on some weight loss forum I was reading: Sugar is evil. It makes you hungry, fat, and addicted to food. I'm giving up sugar. (Maybe if I keep repeating that it'll somehow happen.)
Don't consume sugar.
Don't consume sugar.
Don't consume sugar.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS OR WHAT I HAVE TO DO BUT IM GOING TO BE 118 POUNDS BEFORE MONDAY.

peace.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

What is it that makes me feel so different sometimes when I'm with a group of people. Like I'm running on a different wavelength.
Maybe that was just today..(and I may know why) but still...

and I fell for him...... how strange. I'm trying to fall out, because of many reasons that I don't feel like articulating right now. I think I wear my emotions on my sleeve...especially when I really like a boy. (This is a massive inconvenience.)

I NEVER get "crushes" and I haven't really liked anyone in a long time...

Anyway on top of the strange day, I feel huge..despite seeing the lowest number on the scale that I've seen in a very long time........121.4.

Ofcourse me and my knack for sabotoging any strides in weight loss, I binged on cookies and pistachio ice cream because apparantly I like being obese.

So tomorrow I fast... hungry empty feeling here I come.

I AM STILLNOT UNDER 120 YET...UGH
So the goal for this thanksgiving break is to get to 118 lbs.
This won't be hard because I don't really like Thanksgiving food that much... and also because at right this moment I just got punched in the face with a gust of willpower. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate seeing anything above 120 on the scale.. and since I've been looking at that stupid fucking number for so long, I think my brain has decided to not eat sugary carbs anymore. Heres hoping that lasts for a while.

Plan: (since apparantly the last plan was actually saying "ignore me and eat crap for 3 days")
Tuesday: Fast (have an apple or a cucumber for dinner possibly) DRINK WATER!!!
Wed/thurs: eat a small portion of a fruit/veg every 3 hours
Friday: Fast (p.shake)
Sat/sun: 1200 calories

Basically: EAT LESS FOOD

so many questions.

There is way more to me then my obsession with weight loss. Im hoping that obsession fades soon.
I love writing, and I'm glad I have started a blog that will allow me to just write down my thoughts occassionally.

Im completely in like with everyone I meet ..I feel a bit confused by some of the decisions I have made.

Theres this boy.....

So many thoughts.

Serendipity is a beautiful word :]

I want to see the movie "I want someone to eat cheese with" because the trailer looks absolutely adorable.

conflicting. information.

its like the world is conspiring to keep me fucking huge. and unless your reading research papers on google scholar...no one fucking really knows how to lose weight and keep it off.
exercise, don't excercise, take fish oil supplements, stand on your head and sing "mary had a little lamb", eat low carb, eat 500 calories, eat more to lose more, eat fat, don't eat fat, eat nothing, no eating nothing makes you lose muscle which make you fatter, don't diet anymore, diet more, do cardio, do weight training, don't do cardio it doesn't help, run 10 miles, don't run it makes your leg muscles look bigger, eat tuna, don't eat tuna, don't eat animal products, eat eggs, don't eat eggs, eat every 3 hours, fast for 19 hours a day, drink cabbage soup, don't follow fad diets, here's a new fad diet....AHHHHHHHH!

I think I may need a 72 hour lockdown in a psych ward with some heavy sedation after the year I've had.

I MISS ME BEFORE I BECAME OBSESSED WITH WEIGHT. I miss being able to eat and then forget about food until the next meal. Now my brain is all twisted and confused and so is my body.
It's funny how I've been trying to lose weight for a year, and I gained 7 pounds this year. Dieting totally makes you fat.
Some of you may be confused as to why I have up to 1200 calories a day in my plan. That is because I've read about 10 blogs where the the poor person starves and starves..and ends up the same 6 months later.
Its heartbreaking, and I can't go through that.

Also, starving all summer has made me fatter... I miss that empty feeling though. I just feel so....clean..when i'm starving.

procrastination has led me here.

I've been dabbling with the idea of starting a blog for quite some time..and have started one...on some website that I forgot about. Also, I'm avoiding all the work I have to do..so why not. Basically I am sitting here watching some stupid eating disorder special on E.. and yes..this is going to be a weight loss/obsessed with being thin/somewhat pro-ana/mia blog. sigh. This tv show is totally triggering.

so some stats:
5'2
Just turned 20
cw:123 lbs
hw: 128lbs
lw:110
gw: >105

I've been trying to get to 110 again for a year.. and keep self-sabatoging.
I think I have ruined my metabolism somewhat. highly inconvenient.
I've read a lot of the usual pro-ana blogs.. and dying to be thin was one of them.. Does anyone else think brittany murphy was the maker of that blog or is it just me?

So starting today I'm totally done with the bullshit, feeling largely obese and totally sad about my weight.
I'm also highly annoyed at the massive amount of people who I have to interact with and need some sort of obsessive distraction.

So I shall log my weight on here everyday until my goal weight.

As of today my weight is 123-124 lbs.
By this time next week (exactly 7 days) my goal is to be under 120 lbs. I really wanna get the fuck out of the 120's. They totally freak me out.

Plan: DRINK WATER LIKE A FISH.
Mon: fruits and vegetables only
Tue: Fast
Wed: under 1200 cals
Thurs: fruits and vegetables only
Fri: fast
Sat: 1200 cals
Sun: 1200 cals

exercise: aiming to do weight training to maintain muscle.