I will not

throw up ever ever again. My face is swollen, and wasting food in this manner is completely against my values.
I don't know what to do about the binging but I am NOT purging ever again. I don't care how much anxiety, sadness, and fear I feel when I'm full...that does not give me permission to throw it all up. (Not that all of it ever truly comes back up.) I really suck at throwing up anyway.. and was too much of a wuss tuesday night to figure out where to buy ipecac.. (thank god I didn't.. really have no desire to die from it like Karen Carpenter.)

Also, no more taking laxatives.. they make my stomach hurt and I retain water. ugh. This isn't me. What is with this state of mind. I don't know why I am deathly afraid to gain any amount of weight. ITS JUST FUCKING WEIGHT. PEOPLE GAIN AND LOSE IT ALL THE TIME.

Not that any of these measures have helped me lose any weight for the past 2 days. I've GAINED weight. I'm not even gonna post my weight on here because it's making me sick.

Anyway I saw Harry Potter today, and loved it... but I couldn't help thinking about how damn thin Emma Watson is. If only I was a witch who could magically make myself a perfect 105 pounds. sigh.

I've come to the conclusion that someone else also came up with on some weight loss forum I was reading: Sugar is evil. It makes you hungry, fat, and addicted to food. I'm giving up sugar. (Maybe if I keep repeating that it'll somehow happen.)
Don't consume sugar.
Don't consume sugar.
Don't consume sugar.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS OR WHAT I HAVE TO DO BUT IM GOING TO BE 118 POUNDS BEFORE MONDAY.

peace.